Friday, September 29, 2017

To somebody else...

I've been really deep into life problems lately.  I'm deep in the trenches of problems wondering if I will every see the top of the valley. Every time I get sucked into that valley of problems someone reminds me that people see me, watching what I do, how I respond and who I am. I mean something, much more than the sum of my problems to that person.

No one expects anyone to ever call them an inspiration, it actually takes you off guard especially when it's from someone you admire.  No one expects someone to tell them they're making a difference, and that you see me and you are inspired by me.  No one expects someone to casually say, I love your blog.  It's humbling, and it reminds me that someone is always watching, and you are not a walking portrayal of your problems. You're not. I don't even think I have experienced this before.  It still chokes me up to even write this post because we all mean so much to someone else.  It's nice to be reassured that you're loved and admired.  Everyone needs that and I just didn't know, I didn't know that I meant so much to people I admire, and people with their own struggles.  Let's talk specifics, in one week I: talked to a friend and mentor who is struggling with illness and that person told me I am an inspiration to him and others, received a card in the mail with words I read almost every week, and two people who just randomly told me they read this blog and they love it, and they said it with sincerity.

When I talk about giving up, I always think about how much one person can handle, and why things don't ever seem to go my way or why someone isn't looking out for me or why anyone would ever give me a hard time about anything given what I already have on my plate. This is my version of giving up, not caring about my blog, not updating you about my family, retreating back to a private life of well, privacy, left to struggle alone with life and my children's illness. Sometimes I am really defeated, and sometimes those problems are huge and sometimes those problems are tiny but I haven't given up. Sometimes it's hard to look for hope, sometimes it's hard to look for signs that things are heading your way and whether what you need will come fast enough or will the wait be agonizing or we'll be hanging on for dear life.

Thank you for making me mean something to you, and thank you for that weeklong lifetime boost I so badly needed.

Much love and admiration to you,